The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
