so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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