I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
