And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
