puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
