i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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