I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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