She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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