I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
