I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
