hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
