Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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