pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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