I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the day after is always just damage control
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
