Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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