return my video game
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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