I haven't been this sober since birth.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
BRING THE BAGELS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
