if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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