I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
