my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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