this just has baby written all over it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
