More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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