Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
