Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
