my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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