i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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