i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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