he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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