it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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