New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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