Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
