Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
