In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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