It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
