I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
