News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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