Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
