I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
