I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
