I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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