Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
