a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
