its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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