I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
