Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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