When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You can't special order awesome
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
