This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
