The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
