you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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