There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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