You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
